On Positive Partnering

One thing I know is that problems come in waves. For instance, there is a wave happening right now where people are dealing with issues with their partners.

People are sharing their feelings of despair, alienation, betrayal and disappointment. Their thoughts are often confused, yet hopeful. Their beliefs are that this has been going on a long time and it will all work out. Their experience is that they are stressed, tired, running on fumes and not having much fun.

What I have found in my years of practice is that people see the problem as being about an event (or a series of events, e.g. don’t you find you tend to fight about the same things over and over again?) and the solution is to withdraw, speak up, get angry, be rational, make deals and offer ultimatums.

It’s been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

But how do you create a different outcome with your partner?

It’s about increasing your emotional intelligence (EQ). Not changing yourself, not changing your partner. How to increase your EQ?

First see that an event is happening between you and your partner. Feel, think, experience and believe whatever comes up for you about this event.

Allow yourself to really be honest with yourself about your perspective of what’s happening.

What you want to do in REACTION to your feelings, thoughts, experiences and beliefs about the event is THE PROBLEM.

Choose to ACT (and no longer REACT) to events. Choose to ACT (and no longer REACT) to your feelings, thoughts, experiences and beliefs about an event. Especially with your partner.

Choose to focus on calming down. How to start to calm yourself?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Slowly. Deeply.

Again.

Again.

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